I am completely otios. Ineffectual. I rip my heart out; you delete me. There\’s no longer any evidence that I existed there for those few dizzy months, is there? Gone. I have the ideas but not the means to keep them going. What\’s the point? What am I doing up at one in the morning with an eye-sleep thing pulled over the tops of my glasses and the bottom of my forehead? Unable to sleep. Lie down and the pain sets back in.
A week off the Ambien and I\’m back to where I was in 2002 — pre-treatment. All that progress wiped in a week and the Lunestra not working. I can\’t sleep. I feel like screaming, choking back on the vomit. Anxious and angry; so much thought and no way of seemingly ever getting it out there, to work. Why is it so damn hard to just make a few normal things go right? Even a normal life, a quiet life with no alarms and no surprises.
Tomorrow I\’m getting a giant chunk taken out of my cervix. That should be tasty. Who wants ice cream? I want to bring the pieces home but I have a feeling they mightn\’t like that. They mightn\’t like a lot of things. Right now I know that I don\’t like a lot of things myself.
Dr Maude says NIH should just take me in to live there to run every test in the book, that there should be some doctor there interested in my troubled menstrual cycles at the very least. 40 days with blood. 9 months with no blood. 2 periods in 1 28-day stretch while on birth control (it was being used properly). No endometriosis. Just not working. Broken plumbing. Not a plumber who can fix it. My flow last ended two weeks ago and already my breasts are heavy and tender again. It won\’t be long now.
I haven\’t been like this in… months at the very least. Lots and lots of months. Depressed. It just started today. It\’s from not being able to sleep. No sleep, can\’t think, body hurting, can\’t do anything, so tired want to sleep all the time but can\’t sleep. Depression sets in. I see that Hopkins specialist next Wednesday. A week of being like this tends to feel like a year. Lay on the couch and feel like the world has forgotten about me and doesn\’t give a shit and never did and it\’s never going to get any better in this broken vehicle called a body so why bother? Block it all out and read a book, except I can\’t concentrate and the words don\’t make sense and I can\’t remember what I read on the prior page and it\’s all so very… it makes young adult fiction look like Wittgenstein.
I hope this ends up being a comedy. I need a little ha-ha after all this played out drama.
I miss having the sprog around, too. Even when I was sick she still seemed to think I was someone to love and look up to, not someone to pity and condescend toward or avoid.
\”I am exactly the same on the internet as I am in real life.\” True or false? Testify and defend your argument.
When we (the general we) say that identity is a choice, such as in performance art, role playing, etc., do we take into account people with DID (Disassociative Identity Disorder, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder) and their (in)ability to choose who they are? Are DIDs capable of playing identity, and if so, can they do so with only their primary identity or also with their other identities?
More research on links between auto-immune dysfunction diseases such as CFS co-existing with STDs that attack the immune system such as HPV and HIV. Are rates of co-morbidity higher than in the general public? Etc.
More research on CFS prevalence in the developing world. Explore possible link between cultural beliefs in demons and spirits taking over living people, thereby causing personality changes, malaise, difference in gait, etc. What scientific tests have been done on these people? Possible neurological disorders as the cause. Could this be related to…what? The possibility that neurological diseases are not \’new\’ and are not only in the industrialized world, therefore, are not necessarily brought on by environmental factors. If brought on by supervirii as is hypothosized by many, such virii would have to be existent globally. Or perhaps it is just a case of gene malfunction? Mom and Dad both had whatever, pass it to kid and kid then might display something… or lower defenses toward fighting off a supervirii, or something. Something. Was much clearer on this earlier this afternoom and last night, knew I should have written it down then instead of trying to get a nap. Brain fog. How am I supposed to write papers for school when I can\’t even get my ideas onto the screen? AUGGGGGGGGGH
I told Dr Maude, I said, \”I show you, one day I\’m gonna be your boss.\” He laughed at me. I\’d probably be better at being a History Detective for PBS.