Midnight here in Scotland. I\’m up in the Highlands near the North Sea. Jamie\’s asleep. We go back to Edinburgh tomorrow.
I feel like my life at home is really dumb and meaningless. Have had so many good conversations with so many people while I\’ve been here. So rarely seem to have them at home anymore. Feeling of loneliness.
Things here are alive. I\’ve seen dogs, pheasants, herons, deer, cows, sheep, fish. There\’s dolphins and seals here as well, but I\’ve not seen them as the proper tides right now are only at night. Two weeks ago I was swimming off the shores of Long Island, and now I\’m freezing on the banks of Loch Ness. Seems like the only life in DC is that of politics and pornography: what\’s the point?
Staring down at the thousands of years of history below my feet, and thinking how deliberate life can be, but how trite we tend to make it in western culture. It\’s been bothering me a lot over these past few weeks. I\’m happy while I\’m on the go and am miserable when at home. I need a jump start.
It now costs Â£8 to see the ruins of the castle on Loch Ness, Castle Urquhal or some such thing. Two days ago in North Queensferry there were a woman and her two children sitting across from us in a coffee shop. They were speaking Gaelic, but they had to use many English words to complete some sentences. It\’s not just that the language is dying, but that it\’s not grown to accomodate modern culture. There aren\’t nearly as many signs around in Gaelic as there used to be. Destroy two thousand years of culture, indeed.
Went into the Underground City. Would like to research that for a living. Would do the excavation myself if it weren\’t for how moldy it is under there. Can share the space with the ghosts, fine. Leave the psychics at home, pull out the old city specs, unblock the walls, and rediscover the underbelly of the Scottish beast. Learn how to live underground, except this time with proper lighting and ventilation. Reuse the undergound streets, fortify them to enable them to allow traffic diversions from up on the streets. Put together a true history of Edinburgh museum, and not just have a bunch of ghost stories. When the American in the group knows more about the city\’s past than the natives, trouble is afoot.
If I\’m not able to fall in love with Brisbane the way I have with Edinburgh, DC, and Pittsburgh, I\’ll end up having a very miserable time down there.
I need a proper healthy body so that I can get a proper job. I\’m tired of this low end crap. I\’m frustrated having to call time out for hours or days before I can get my body working properly again. I\’m starved for meaningful work. Contributing, making, blue collar, whatever. I want something helpful and effective. I want to live.
My nightly hallucinations have started. Oh well. Bed soon before I can no longer find the keyboard.
Show me what can be done. Want to be better, fix my back and my ass and my shoulders and hands and knees and feet and spine and nerves. FIX ME so that I can be FREE. My broken body. Airline personnel wheeling me a chair around the airport. Embarrassing. It doesn\’t have to be like this. There has to be a way. Problem is every specialist says it is there way: drugs, supplements, vitamins, specific exercises, meditation, yoga, accupuncture, chiropracter, raw food diet, gluten free diet, vegan diet, fruiterian diet, diet, beverage diet, shitting while squatting over the toilet, four shits a day, colon hydrotherapy, back surgery, DAMMIT, isn\’t there just one fix? Give it to me, my bones are deteriorating, I hurt like fuck and this is not life: this is the disability roulette. Well I don\’t want to gamble with my future and gamble with my health. I JUST WANT TO GET IT SORTED SO THAT I CAN CONTRIBUTE AGAIN.
I\’m so out of it now. So tired. I wish I had a home to go home, something there t.hat matters