I am praying to whatever it is I believe in that the severe mood swings of the past few days have been from coming off the Topamax, as recommended by my doctor.
I \’talked\’ with Randy today, talked with Aaron for over an hour on the phone, spoke with Tom, had a half dozen other online encounters, became seriously worried after speaking with my Social Security representative and being told that no matter what I do I can only qualify for $545 maximum in Maryland, became seriously happy when I discovered the Housing Opportunities Commission, became saddened when I learned there are no voucher openings this year and no assistance openings until September, became angry when I told a friend about my discovery and it became all about him, had no appetite, was sick to my stomach, and binged. In between I alternated between positive-frame-of-mind dancing (I know – dancing is supposed to be a no-no) like a maniac and lying on my bed in the middle of the afternoon, staring at my ceiling while the same depressing record repeated and I fought back tears.
This is stupid.
Where the hell have all my self-esteem, direction, hopes, plans and drive gone? When exactly did my life become so pointless and meaningless? Was it always like this, and I oblivious to it, or has it just crept up on me as an attachment to the FMS diagnosis?
I itch all over, which is one of my anxiety warning signs.
What the fuck is going on with me, and why can I not seem to stop it? I want off this ride. It is not fun anymore. I want my money back.