My insomnia is getting worse. I have a prescription of Sonata, but it is not working because I am not letting it.
I get in bed, exhausted, knowing I need to sleep but my mind is still too active. I pop my pill and pick up my book. An hour later I have finished my book and my head is still whirling, albiet a bit slower.
I try to relax to fall asleep and as soon as I relax my head the obsessive self-defeating thoughts kick in, but I cannot stand the thoughts for one minute, and the only thing that keeps them off is keeping my brain active. Get another book.
Finish that book, open the window, turn out the light, resolve to sleep as it is now 6am. The rain and the smell of the outdoors is relaxing, and immediately the thoughts start, though this time instead of starting out at the \’remember this – you really fucked up here\’ thoughts or the \’what the hell are you going to do with your life now\’ thoughts they start immediately with the \’you should just kill yourself\’ thoughts which go along with the images my mind starts to flash at me.
I start crying, kicking around in my bed, yelling in my pillows for my head to fuck off and leave me alone; I have gone a year and a half without really being suicial, it is no longer a part of me, it is not in me, it cannot be, just fucking leave me alone.
Somewhere along the lines I find myself outside in the rain, crying.
The next thing I know, it is 2:17pm and I am waking up in my bed, my feet muddy. I guess the Sonata worked, though how I got in bed is beyond me.
I am so fucking tired of my goddamn head. Maybe I have just been in denial, but until this week I really did not think it was all that bad. Fuck.