I\’m the only person I know who can take 20mg of diazepem (Valium), have a few drinks, and STILL not even feel tired. Fuck.
Dear doctor: please give me something for anxiety that will actually work with my high tolerance so that I can stop feeling like I am going to chew through my tongue. Thank you.
Someone a few floors below me is practicing the trumpet. They still have a long way to go. I wonder what their deal is; most people who live here are pretty old — older than me, around Will\’s age — but this person is very much a beginner. Kind of neat. Our neighbor next door plays the bongos and other percussion, but only on Saturdays and Sundays. He\’s pretty good. There\’s also a car alarm going off below, and the sound of Will banging on his keyboard and talking to the rats, and I wish I had a microphone and I dime for everytime I made a wish and did nothing to make it happen. Actually, I just wish I put a little more effort into making those things happen.
What if I get to Australia and my biopsy results come back that I need surgery? I can\’t get surgery in Australia until I\’ve been there for six months due to those pre-existing conditions with health insurance and stuff. I\’m fucking scared out of my mind. What the hell should I do? Probably the results will come back and maybe I\’ll just have to have some lesions removed, but there\’s still a good chance that it\’s cancer as I\’ve had this for at least six years and I have more than ten high risk strains. Then what? Then what? What what what? I\’m so fucking scared. I just don\’t know what to do. The earliest they could get me in for my biopsy was the 10th and we leave the 15th. The results take a week to a week and a half. The airline tickets are non-transferable, non-refundable, non-rescheduleable, and they\’re expensive this time of year. Will has to go, he\’s contractually obligated. If I stay here, what the fuck am I gonna do? I rely on him for financial support and emotional support and everything. I can\’t do this alone. I don\’t know what to do. I\’m so fucked.