I\’m torn between the part of me that wants to live for now — the selfish part that ignores my problems, my health, my impact upon the world, and any greater meaning of life so that I can point my blinders forward toward the mindless fun, and the part of me that is socially conscious and aware of wanting to not be what I abhor.
When I live for now, I can lose myself until the distraction wears off. Then I have to worry about the next fix. I know I can\’t live like that forever. But I also know that to move forward, I have to leave behind almost all of what and who I have now, because when it comes down to it, the bigger picture and my current life just don\’t agree.
As rude as it is, I\’m just going to have to say, \”Hey, I really like you all and thanks for the fun and friendship, but actually, I really detest what you\’re doing and I have to go devote my time to fighting the larger impact of your lifestyle on the world instead of partaking of it…because as much as I have enjoyed being young and mindless, I\’m going to have to kill myself if I wake up a few years from now only to discover I\’m still in the same place and am still being young and mindless.\”
Gotta move forward to get ahead. Staying in one place is literally not getting me anywhere.
I\’m off to Florida in two weeks. Exploring career offers and taking the pseudo-sprog out for some encouragement as she tries out for her big time art high school. We\’ve both got butterflies the size of pterodactyls.
