if I knew what I wanted to be doing with myself other than sleeping, I think I\’d be doing it. I certainly have nothing else or better to do. It\’s not fear or procrastination holding me back, it\’s just that I\’ve finally reached the point where I can say with an even temper, \”my health isn\’t gonna let me do anything I find real interest in\” (because all that requires a degree and 60+ hr/week work schedules), so I\’m just doing fuckall instead. Don\’t know what else to bother with and don\’t care. Even contemplated having kids just to have something to do (don\’t worry, came to my senses).
I could get up and really push myself and end up hurting and sick every day, but I don\’t want to. That\’s that, I suppose. I\’m not willing to go back to that feeling of being made out of leaded clay that\’s backed in the sun far too long. I\’m a selfish git who would rather be comfortable in as close to a middle class, pain-free existence as possible. After all, isn\’t that the American Dream? Isn\’t that what people strive for, comfort? Mine doesn\’t come from earning more or succeeding or advancing, it comes from sitting back and relaxing and that\’s all.
I\’m quitting therapy today. It\’s pointless. I got married, I\’m working a few hours that a week that keep me hovering just on the edge of petrified illness most of the time, I\’m bringing in about $1600 a month so I\’m contributing financially. That\’s it for me. Time to relax. Forget the stress about all this \”getting better\” or \”pushing into the future\” nonsense. It\’s not going to happen. Quit while I\’m ahead. Take what I\’ve got. Now that everything\’s calming down, I can start doing volunteer work at the shelter and at BFTC again. Maybe finally get a guitar.
That\’s just going to have to be enough for me. Don\’t know any other way.
