Had a hell of a relapse on Sunday and now I just feel fucked. The whole thing is damned ridiculous, the way it just plays itself out whenever it wants for no apparent reason.
Had been feeling fine for a few days and we walked up to the Valley for a little stroll. We do that every weekend and I don\’t have a problem with it. Stopped in at a Chinese restaurant and had some soup. The hot & sour was unlike anything I had tasted before and I wasn\’t keen on it, so after two spoonfuls I gave it over to Maude.
20 minutes or so later, I\’m in a cold sweat and dizzy. We started the walk home (maybe half a mile and it\’s all flat ground) and I felt like I had jus binged on a Thanksgiving dinner or something. Heavy and gross. Had to walk slow and was very dizzy. Got home and the weird tingling thing started up in my back and butt again. Within about twenty minutes or so of being home, the pain had set in hard into my left buttock. Stuck an icy hot patch on it and took some Tramadol. Felt so tightly wound (not anxious, but like my bones were put together too tightly without enough cartilage… hard to explain). Spent the rest of the evening nauseous, trying to relax.
Monday, woke up and couldn\’t stay awake. Kept falling back asleep. Feeling like jello made out of lead. Head so foggy, just staring at the same web page trying to figure out why one damn snippet won\’t work when it\’s worked for years. Falling back asleep. Stomach pains. No appetite. Felt like crap. Yesterday — Tuesday — started getting the pain in my hips again. All the joints tight and achy. Started getting stomach cramps in my upper abdomin. No appetite. Feeling bloated and heavy. Despite two days of eating mostly fiber and drinking lots of water, still constipated. Then last night, started having sex but as I was feeling so ick I was just laying there like a blow up doll, my whole damn vaginal canal hurting, my cervix hurting, then all of a sudden BAM! This huge pain goes ripping through my right side directly over my pelvic bone. Very weird. I get those pains on my left side from time to time, but never from my right. Tried to sit up or move my right leg and just couldn\’t, too much pain. Took a bunch of dope and Maude got me the hot water bottle going.
Woke up this morning with the pain better. Down from a 9 to an ignorable 1 when sitting, 3 or 4 when moving. Started getting hungry so had my cereal, then my stomach suddenly bloats into this enormous ball. On Sunday my pants were falling off my ass and my stomach was flat, and now it hurts to wear pants because they are too tight, and my stomach (when sitting) is this huge roll on my lap between my ribs and my pubes. Still constipated. Still falling asleep all the time. Back and ass and shoulders hurt. Tried to stretch and just doubled over in pain stemming from the place on the right side of my stomach over my pelvic bone.
Last night Maude said, \”maybe you should see a doctor about that,\” and then proceeded to pay me on the water bottle… I wanted to punch him in the eye because that\’s what it felt like he was doing. Things at his lab are really hectic at the moment and he\’s working there from about 8am to 7pm at night. I can\’t make the walk to the doctor\’s like this and I don\’t even know what to say. I can write pretty okay but I\’m positively tongue tied when I try and talk. Baaahwhhaa? Hurt, here, in tummy. No, not pregnant. No, not usually this fat. Jesus Christ, I don\’t know, just fix it! isn\’t that what doctors are supposed to do, diagnose and treat? Not just say, \”well, I\’m going to write you a referral to this other doctor, and that\’ll be $150 for 5 minutes of my time,\” and then you get to that doctor at the next available appt which is two weeks later and the symptoms are gone by that point and that doc says \”well, call me for an appt. the next time it happens\” and then charges me another $150.
I\’m so fucking pissed at it always being like this. Isn\’t it ever going to end? Or just get better, or something? I feel so discouraged all the damn time, especially when people I haven\’t spoken to in a while ask \”so, how\’s Australia, what you been up to?\” and all I can say is \”well, it\’s hot, and the medical system is the same as in the US, and all I\’ve been doing is fighting it and feeling sick.\” Cassandra, when are you doing to do something with your life other than be sick?! I\’m so angry, and so frustrated, and so sick of seeing doctors all the time, having them take all my money and not listen to a word I say and rarely help and just AUGH. Just AUGH AUGH AUGH.
It\’s so lonely and isolating like this. Maude\’s just frustrated whenever I feel sick, which makes me more frustrated, and he can\’t keep my doctors straight (I don\’t blame him, I can barely keep them straight) so he\’s always saying things like \”isn\’t that the doctor who overdosed you?\” and no, it\’s not, that was a different doctor and I\’ve told you that I don\’t know how many times that it was a PCP and not an allergist who OD\’d me…
A list of all the drugs I have been on for more than a year that have either been pulled from the market, may be pulled from the market soon, or currently carry the black box from the FDA that says \”this medication may really fuck you up\” or whatever it actually says: Vioxx, Risperdal, Zyprexa, Seroquel — and why, when I don\’t have arthritis and I\’ve never been psychotic and none of them ever helped? Oh, not to mention the time when my doctor started me on Lamictal when I had leveled out depressed while on another drug, and within three days of being on Lamictal I suddenly wigged my shit with no warning and tried to kill myself? (Which happens to be a side effect of Lamictal, but one that \”rarely occurs\” so my doc didn\’t think it would be a problem.) Or how about when they had me on a combination of drugs that made me gain 60 pounds in only 4 months? And on and on and on…
Could it be this is really getting to me today? Yes, yes it could. When things are like this, I kinda wish someone would just hit me over the head with a baseball bat and knock me into a coma until it\’s either all over or until medical science gets their fucking act together and figures this shit out.
