In true \”my brain chemistry is the most fucked up piece of work to have ever hit humankind and is proof that there is no Intelligent Designer (unless so-called designer makes enormous chemical mistakes on purpose)\” fashion, I took the Lunesta last night and nothing happened. It\’s supposed to be the most powerful hypnotic now on the market, guaranteed to knock you out cold for six hours within thirty minutes. An hour and a half later, I popped an Ambien and eventually drifted off into la la land around two. As usual, I was awake at six. Spent the next four hours trying to cat nap and eventually gave up. Not tired. Feeling all right, but too alert and aware to cuddle and sleep with Dr Maude. Took my new stimulant, modafinil, a little after ten. It\’s now 11:30 and I\’m struggling to stay awake. My body feels like gelatin and my eyes are begging to be closed. My brain is wanting to lay out a long flat line on a brain scan.
Will try again with the Lunesta tonight, but I\’m inclined to think that like Valium, it\’s just not going to work on me for whatever reasons.
Am planning on taking another modafinil around two (doctors orders) to see if that changes anything. Don\’t know why I\’m surprised. I get the same effect from caffeine — it makes me groggy.
I\’ve never smoked pot because just being around the smoke makes me delirious and increases my physical pain by at least four notches. You don\’t even want to know what I\’m like on coke.
When I saw my psychiatrist a few days ago, she said she was officially removing the old traces of the bipolar II-NOS from my charts. This, to me, is a larger victory than even learning about CNS disorders in the first place. My mood swings and such started at 13, when the physicality of M.E. set in. I saw my first shrink at 14, and for the next ten years my psychiatric diagnoses at times included unipolar depression, antisocial personality disorder, anxiety, severe phobias, general anxiety disorder, social phobia, general depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, psychosis, multiple personality disorder, post-traumatic stress syndrome, battered women\’s syndrome, borderline personality disorder,
