Happier these past few weeks. Med increase helped the mood, I believe. Has not helped the weight. I was saddened last night, while attempting to get dressed for work, to find that only 5% of my wardrobe now fits me. One pair of jeans and some t-shirts. None of my skirts, dresses, or tops fit anymore. Only one bra fits. It\’s gross (to me). When I met my husband three years ago, I was off meds and wore a size 7/8. I got married last February and April wearing a size 10. I\’m now in a 12 to 14. It\’s maddening to me that I was close to this weight and size (a 10 to 12) when I was modeling the pr0n 4-6 years ago, and I didn\’t mind so much how I looked then. Now, though, I can\’t bring myself to look at my reflection below the neck line. Very, very pathetic.
But on happier news — super happy, in fact — I quit the majority of my job at the bar last night. I have four more door shifts left, and then no more door for me! Then I\’ll be bartending one night a week, though it looks like that might change to two or three. Coatcheck on two Saturdays a month while in season. Last night was my fourth New Year\’s Eve working at the bar; I just can\’t take it anymore. We need the money but I need my sanity more. I want to be able to see my husband for more than the hour before I go to work at night. I want to be able to actually make plans in the evenings again — go to shows, see a movie, hang with friends, start writing again. I\’ve really missed having a life. I\’ve paid my dues there. It felt great to quit — it was the only good part of my lame ass shift last night! The past two shifts I\’ve basically extorted my boss for extra money; I told him I didn\’t want to work them because the money was going to be lame, but he agreed to top up my meager earnings to equal what the bartenders made. He also said he was never going to do that again. Well, no shit, because I\’m never working those shitty shifts again! Hooray!
