Welcome to yet another journal entry. We\’re practically breaking records of consistency here.
I am doped up on painkillers due to my knee, and my head is slightly spinning and floating. Very detached. Kind of nice. I can\’t drive, I can hardly walk (due to the knee, not the painkillers), and I\’m drugged. Wheeeeee.
I can\’t do much other than lay around, so I just watched Steel Magnolias for the dozenth time, and that\’s not an exaggeration. As usual, I cried and laughed through the whole thing. That sense of community, of bonding between women is something I\’ve always wanted and have never come close to.
The movie always makes me realize that I\’m a strong person, one of the strongest I know. Life keeps dealing me some fucked up punches, time after time, with little respite. And I waver, but I never truly break, or haven\’t yet at least. Bad relationship after bad relationship, ruined friendships, two molestations, drug addiction, losing my best friend to suicide, watching other friends die or end up in jail and rehab, school after school, job after job, new beginning after new beginning, bullshit after bullshit, I\’m still here, and I\’m still standing tall, and it really is true, that it makes you stronger. Because after the recovery from each punch, I am stronger and more mature than before. The biggest punches have taken the longest recoveries, but they\’ve also been the most life changing and the most life affirming. I wouldn\’t trade my fucked up life for a million dollars. I\’m proud of who I am and what I\’ve done.
Life\’s latest punch… I saw the orthopedic doctor today, and it was confirmed that I tore my meniscus or whatever. We\’re giving it a week at my request to see if I\’ll heal with time, but if there\’s been no change (which the doctor said is likely) then I will have to have surgery. My body is falling apart…
I\’m feeling really, really out of it for some reason. Probably the pain killers. I just sat here and read through a bunch of Koala Monkey Doodle\’s old e-mails from when we were both totally gaga over each other last summer. I was looking for the one where he wrote me a poem, and ended up just reading the emails. There weren\’t that many, once we moved to the phone. I was trying to figure out what the hell it was we managed to talk about, as we have nothing in common. We do actually have a few things in common, just none of the important things, or at least what I consider to be important. I guess we just talked about life in general. For three hours a night, every night, for three months. I\’m amazed.
I miss having a lot of friends to talk to, but I\’m not complaining because I\’ve done that to myself on purpose, and I\’m well aware of that. If I could have last summer again, have it over the life I have now, would I take it? Probably not.
It\’s a beautiful day outside, utterly gorgeous. Moped weather, but I\’m too injured to enjoy that. No moped, and no dancing for six weeks. What\’s a girl to do?!
MA and I spent the day tossing emails back and forth to one another. Oh dear. I managed to rally together my resolve, and I will not be getting involved with MA. It no longer has anything to do with my not being ready, it\’s now all a matter of being afraid that I\’m getting involved with him just because the opportunity is there. True, I\’ve hit it off with him 10 times more than I have with anyone else
since moving back here, but maybe that\’s because I haven\’t given anyone else the chance – I\’ve just fucked them and left them without even giving them a phone number or an e-mail address or anything. And
dancing and sex aren\’t really conducive to conversation. And MA\’s not my type, anyway, just like Koala Monkey Doodle wasn\’t.
Look at me, trying to rationalize myself, trying to convince myself of all of this. Is it working? I can\’t be sure. I suppose I\’ll find out this weekend; my date with MA is for Friday. Then I have a whirlwind weekend set up, which is going to be fun on crutches. Date with MA, then instead of going home I\’m going to the Depeche Mode dance party to get laid (but I promise I won\’t dance vertically!). Then Saturday is D.C.\’s Take Back The Night which I\’ll be at from 1-7, then pagan movie night at 8pm, then if I\’m feeling up to it, back downtown for Bliss to get laid again. Sunday morning I\’m volunteering at the NOW march until it\’s time for the DRADA meeting, then back to the NOW march. Then I will go home and collapse. All of this will be done on painkillers. Yes, the slut is back, she\’s not giving up her wicked ways, monogamy is the work of the devil. What the hell was I thinking? Oh yeah, I was thinking \”Look! Someone likes you! You better snap them up while you can, get it while you can, milk it for all it\’s worth!\” Fuck that, I don\’t need a relationship. I need friends. But to get friends, I have to open up. And I don\’t want to
open up. So I\’ll stay single, with only shallow friendships. And lots
of hot, anonymous sex. Yes, I like the sound of this, this I can handle. I am good to go. Fuck the bullshit, it\’s time to throw down…