I am off my medication. I have not held a dose down (of any medication, including the Vioxx, which is my pain medication) since Wednesday night. I vomited Thursday morning\’s dosage back up. I talked to my psychiatrist about Friday night\’s mania and she said to stop taking the SSRI; that the Celexa was making me cycle out of control. Heh. You think?
I saw my therapist yesterday at noon, one of those special crisis appointments, which means I had my regular appointment Thursday afternoon where I was fine, and then a crisis appointment Friday afternoon and then another yesterday. I was full on happy at my appointment yesterday; the concern in my doctor\’s face was quite visible.
Will everyone please just back the fuck off and realize I am being me for the first time in months? I am no longer a zombie!
I cannot concentrate on anything, not even a fluff magazine or the television. My mood keeps zipping around here and there and up and down. My stomach feels like shit; I am told that is what happens when you are forced to vomit. I cannot hold food in one way or the other. I am dehydrated.
But I feel alive.
Real emotions again.
Remind me again why I was so happy to go on medication? Because I do not think I am going back on it. Fucking pill popping reliant as fuck zombified dose head. No thank you.
So I have no idea what the fuck I am doing anymore and I could not focus to get there even if I knew. But at least I am me again, so take your motherfucking psychiatry and stick it up your ass.
Now I am headed back down the way to wait for my next hypomanic upswing because I need another fucking hit after this morning\’s dip into confusing depression. I am an addict to my own brain chemicals, but I would rather be a junkie than a zombie. I would rather be me than doped and living behind a veil.
Somewhere in the back of my mind I know that Arvin is going to be dissapointed if he finds out.