Sometimes there are things you may suspect about someone, but ignorance is truly bliss. To have the negative confirmed is only to forever taint your image of someone, and if that is someone you personally know and love, or at least, thought you knew and loved, then once the knowledge sets in, everything changes.
Trust amongst some of my peers and I is hard to earn, and even harder to grant. Once granted, the breaking of it is so precarious, and so absolute, that it essentially obliterates all that once was. You can either choose to move forward with no trust, or you can choose to walk away. In the past, I tended to push for advancing with no trust, though that was when the lack of trust was a lack of trust in me, because of the trust I had betrayed. More recently, having been betrayed myself, I have preferred to walk away.
Some habits, unfortunately, die hard. Idle hands, solitude, lack of faith, lack of trust, jealousy, overzealous curiousity, and the overwhelming self-destructive desire to discover the deepest, darkest secrets of everyone in order to prove to myself that everyone out there really is an asshole, combined with a certain growing anxiety and self-doubt, has once again led to me violating the sacred. Big surprise.
Do not put your trust in me. Just do not do it. I will fuck it up, because deep down, I want to. Deep down, I want nothing more than to give substance to the paranoid suspicions of an overly affected head. Why? The ever present question: Why do you do this? Why are you like this?
In suspecting everyone around me of having ulterior motives, hidden objectives, and cruel intentions, it turns out that the pot is simply hoping that the kettle is of a deeper pewter tarnish than she. Once discovering one\’s blemished character, one finds it easier to delve deeper into the obliteration of personal and social mores, decimating the heartfelt emotions of all that may stand in opposition. Caught flirting? Might as well commit adultery. A slight addiction discovered? Might as well turn it into a full time binge. Blow off one obligation? Might as well blow them all off.
The consequences do not matter; nothing matters. The outcome is inevitable because you are already blacker than #000000. You think you cannot go further, but then one day, the realization takes over that instead of containing your taint, you are pulling others into it and staining those around you. First pale grey, than slate gray; before anyone fully notices, your disease has turned those around you into the pitch blackness of night, just like yourself. You have evolved from darkness to a black hole, sucking the life out of all those around you, and yet gaining no life yourself. To everyone left with a bit of hope that presents a candle to you in your self-contained night, you asthmatically blow it out with the raspy exhale characteristic of a chronic smoker. And like the chronic smoker, it is your own self-inflicted cancer that will eat you alive.
Gosh, I feel better now.
The above was inspired by Mario\’s foray into the land of the drama queens earlier today, though I did not realize it until I really started ranting. But just in case you were wondering, everything really is peachy keen here in the bachelor pad, albeit a bit messy.