I am in a godawful amount of pain. I had my surgery yesterday. It
turns out there is nothing wrong with my meniscus, which means they
cut three holes in my knee only to find out that I have a loose knee
cap. What\’s been happening is when my knee cap slips and rubs against
the bone in my leg, my knee gives out and stops supporting itself and
I go into large amounts of pain. Has nothing to do with any ligaments
or anything. And the knee cap can be corrected in physical therapy.
So I just got my knee cut up for nothing. And it fucking hurts
let me tell you. I can\’t bend it. I can\’t walk. My armpits and tits
burn from having the crutches dig into me. I\’m on Vicodin, which
isn\’t helping much. I can\’t shower. I feel disgusting. I\’m in pain
and I\’m bored, and there\’s no worse combination. Yesterday when I got
to the hospital I started freaking out. I walked into admissions and
everything from last fall came flooding back to me. Being at Western
Psych with Koala Monkey Doodle, and then alone, and then with Mat.
Being so lost and confused and scared and abandoned. I hadn\’t cried
about that since February, but suddenly it all came back and I was
sitting there in the waiting room bawling my eyes out, remembering
everything and being as helpless about it now as I was then.
Realizing, suddenly, that it still hurts. But not as bad as my knee
hurts. And the inside of my arm is covered in bruises from the IV and
I can\’t help but wish the bruises were from something else. And I
want a time machine so I can travel to a time when I don\’t hurt.
Sometime in the future…
