Dr. Maude, with his degree in psychology — though not a practicing doctor, mind you; he\’s a PhD, not an MD — has gone and told me that despite having finished treatment for it years ago, that I still have (or have redeveloped) a raging case of social anxiety disorder to be the icing on the cake that is generalized anxiety disorder. In his mind, despite doing ten years of hard time in the world of therapy, despite still being on a high dose of Effexor (commonly used for anxiety) and despite having been on nearly every drug in the anxiety book, I\’m still a painfully inhibited basket case.
Sometimes I feel like he — and most other people — still see me as a walking, occasionally talking copy of the DMS-IV. Despite everyone saying how much better I have gotten over the past few years, no one is completely satisifed — including myself. And yeah, I\’ll be the first to admit that it has gotten worse in the past few months — I\’m not kidding myself. But I was hoping that I had at least managed to fool anyone who doesn\’t read this.
Maude thinks I just need to de-sensitize myelf. Well, I do pretty alright (or at least much better) in terms of day to day functioning when I don\’t have someone else to rely on — enable me, as it were — to accompany me outside of the apartment every time I leave. Once I get out, I do pretty okay, as long as I have a set plan of errands to follow, but actually getting my mind to agree to go out is the hard part. Oh, and school? Long term goals? Anything seemingly productive? Forget it about it — I almost have. Or try to, at least.
It\’s funny (in a disgusting, makes me want to smack him sort of way) that Maude thinks he can just toss a comment off after being with me for two years and follow it up with \”it\’s none of my business, but I think it\’s a problem.\” Dude, I\’ve been living this way to one degree or another since at least the age of eleven — I know it\’s a goddamn problem. I know \”desensitizing\” is supposed to help. I know I should stiff upper lip it and just get over myself and all that jazz and stop worrying. I know! But it\’s a daily struggle, and you are not helping.
Tell me something I don\’t know.
