verbatim from the voice recorder, starting an hour and a half ago:
\”Recently I read somewhere that \’to love music above all things is to always be unhappy.\’ Am I repeating myself here? Did I already say this in a public entry or was that in a private entry? I don\’t remember. I told this to my dad tonight and he told me that whoever wrote that should be shot. I think he\’s just scared to face, to face something like that. Or maybe, maybe uh… maybe he just doesn\’t understand. I don\’t know. I told him that it\’s true — that everyone I know that music is their passion, that all those people are miserable. I didn\’t say \’we.\’ I said \’the people.\’ And he said — and I said, \’Maybe those are just, those people just gravitate towards music.\’ And he said, \’Yeah, well, uh, well maybe those people are already miserable — they\’d be miserable without music.\’ [solemn] And maybe we would be. More miserable. Without music.
I\’ve been experimenting the past eight days. I pushed myself — I had to see. I had to see.
I\’ve gone to five separate music events in the last eight days. And I swear to god, I thought it was the alcohol! You know, because I drink every time I go out. And I swear, I thought that drinking was exacerbating my condition, and I suspected this for weeks and I didn\’t want to face that and I kept putting it off and putting it off, and saying, \’No, I don\’t want to stop drinking,\’ and I couldn\’t deal with that. And finally, um, I said, okay, \’I\’ll take that on, I\’ll take that challenge.\’
When my doctor said, \’I think you have multiple sclerosis,\’ — \’FUCK!\’ [giggles] \’Time to explore some options here!\’ So… I, I, I pushed the limit and I, I cut the alcohol immediately and I went out… and em… [crying] And I still felt like shit. And each time I went out, and was around the music, I\’d start to get tired, and I\’d start to ache — and it, the fatigue would come on — and I\’d start to get that, that tingling sort of feeling all over my body, like, like spiders crawling everywhere — and my head would hurt, when I always thought that light headed feeling was from the alcohol but there I was and I hadn\’t had anything to drink. And I always thought that, that pain was, was the alcohol setting in.
[crying harder] But it turns out it\’s not. None of it has anything to do with alcohol. [crying harder] It\’s all from the loud noise, and the bass. And the more I\’ve exposed myself to it, and the frequency — more this fall and winter and — more frequently than ever before… the more, [crying harder] the, the worse I\’ve gotten. the worse [two completely unintelligible sentences] …that I can\’t sit down, and I can\’t walk and I can\’t think and it\’s… so bad that my doctors think that I have multiple sclerosis! I mean, come on! That\’s some — and it\’s just going further and further down hill and [false starts] my body\’s giving up on me because of the thing I love — the _only_ thing I love — not the only thing but the only thing… [sigh] the only thing that that I love… unobsessively.
The only healthy thing that I love. The only constant companion that keeps me sane without… being… an… addiction, brought on by… [false starts, sigh] My interest in sex and sexuality, while intellectual… most of the time… one cannot say that that has not been brought on by trauma. And that that is not approached in an unhealthy, unobsessive… manner.
Music\’s always been different, it\’s always inspired me. It\’s been my passion, and enlived me. [crying, long pause] I lost it for two years… those, those two years were bad. Those two years were really bad. Those two years I was searching for my identity more than I ever had… I didn\’t know where I had gone. When I got my music back I started getting myself back…
I\’m sure people would say, \’You can still have music without it being loud, without going out,\’ [in a condescending voice] \’You can stay _at home_ and have music.\’
I can barely turn my head right now, I can barely move.
All I did tonight — I went to two places. All I did was sit there, listen to the music and read… I didn\’t dance, I didn\’t drink alcohol. I sat on my butt and read. And I\’m completely fucked up…
My ears are ringing… I guess it\’s to be expected — loud music. [snooty voice] My ears are always ringing. They\’ve been ringing since the age of fourteen… not brought on by loud music, but by a sinus infection. I\’ve been followed by a constant state of ringing ever since.
You know — it even hurts to talk right now, not in the way you would think, but I\’m talking, and I can feel the enunciation, I can feel the vibration in my legs. And it\’s like being deaf, and feeling, feeling… [sigh] every vibration. You learn to pick up on these things. When you\’re deaf — not that I would know. But you learn to experience… the world differently, and you hear music differently. You feel it. You feel the vibrations. You can\’t necessarily hear it.
And I had a conversation with a friend earlier tonight about being deaf… and he said… that the cliched, he hated that cliched dinner party question — which would you rather be, blind or deaf? — and he said he would of course, [mimics friend\’s voice perfectly] \’Rather be blind.\’ He couldn\’t imagine… being deaf, never being able to hear the human voice, never being able to hear music. \’That\’s a tragedy.\’ I would… rather be dead. Than not be able to hear… music. [crying] Because I love music above all things and you\’ve taken away my health… and you\’ve taken away… my life… and now you\’ve taken away my music. What… do I have left?\”
