There are numerous essays, thought pieces, forum discussions, and critiques on why the “You’re not like other women/girls” statement is not a compliment. I agree with them and I feel the existing work doesn’t need an additional piece agreeing with it. That’s not what this is. This is different.
Maybe it’s true that I’m not like a lot of other women.
My femme-identifying friends with OkCupid accounts or public social media presences frequently screenshot the terrible harassing messages that they receive from men. Despite having had an OKC profile for almost two years (and very little public social media presence), I haven’t received a single death, rape, or any other type of threat. I have received very few inappropriately sexual messages and I haven’t had anyone otherwise harass me. This is despite the hundreds of hits my OKC profile gets per week and despite stating in my profile that I work in the field of sexuality.
What makes me so different? Why doesn’t my profile receive the same objectionable responses that those of my friends do? This has made me really curious, so I started talking it over with some people who have seen my profile.
The responses all summarize the same way: to them, my profile comes across as confident, self-aware but self-assured, and commands respect with its concise and brief explanations of who I am and what I want. Most people I queried said that my profile comes across as intimidating; I’ve had OKC messages that say the same thing.
Everyone I discussed profiles with said that most femme-identifying profiles do not read like this at all. I was told that some are upfront and admit to self-esteem issues outright, while the low self-value of others can be read through their lines. I don’t know if this is true about other profiles or not.
I also don’t know if I really believe that this is the difference between my profile and those of my peers. What do you think? Check out my profile and tell me why you think it is that I don’t get harassing messages. Maybe we can figure out guidelines that will assist others with curtailing the amount of harassment they receive.
