CN: suicide, overdose
Three years ago this week, I had a nervous breakdown, overdosed on purpose. Nothing has been the same since. There are few things that I was sure of then that I am sure of now. Of all the changes I have tried to make, I’ve only been to follow through on a couple. I’m still waiting for bureaucracy to reach its conclusion and either give me the final boosts I need or finish me off in the process of trying.
My head is dark and so is my heart.
Folks like happy endings or at least encouraging cliffhangers. The fable of the feeble crip, overcome with happy tears brought on by “overcoming” their circumstances and/or disability. This isn’t that. That’s not my story. I’m not that crip.
I’ve been the trickster, time and again. Reinventing myself as needed and fighting like hell to make it work. When it doesn’t –when it all crumbles and I fall — I start over again. One of these tries, it’s going to work, right? But, I am Sisyphus, and the interweaving of my health, circumstances, and personality yield nothing but laborious and futile efforts.
Maybe it’s because I have cheated death so many times that each time I think I’m in the clear — and doing so well! at the top of my game! really got it this time! — the clear turns into an opaque landslide, catching me under all its ragged detritus and pulling me back to my starting point.
I’m tired, so incredibly tired. But I’ve got this rock to push, right? Just got to keep pushing. No other options left.
Three years. At times, joy. But mostly, I think it’s absurd, a farce. But, not pointless, not at all. So, I keep trying.
A face that toils so close to stones is already stone itself! I see that man going back down with a heavy yet measured step toward the torment of which he will never know the end. That hour like a breathing-space which returns as surely as his suffering, that is the hour of consciousness. At each of those moments when he leaves the heights and gradually sinks toward the lairs of the gods, he is superior to his fate. He is stronger than his rock. — Camus in “The Myth of Sisyphus“