Today\’s therapy session was one of the ones where I walk in, have nothing to talk about, and within fifty minutes manage to bring up three new Really Deep Issues and cry in three different places. I feel like absolute shit.
I went to my brother\’s high school graduation yesterday, and while I felt happy for him, I started regressing into a rotten state of bitterness, cynicism and self-loathing. When I left school early, part of my motivation behind that was to make sure I would avoid the graduation ceremony. Since I was 12 I thought they were fake, boring wastes of time and disgusting displays of self-congratulation that are mostly unfounded. Yesterday I sat through three hours of \’we are all heroes\’ speeches, and I would like to knock those naive little 18 year olds up the fucking head for thinking that getting through school makes you a hero.
I fought tooth and nail just to get out of the goddamn house for years, graduated before everyone else in my class. I had fibromyalgia, bi polar II, post traumatic stress disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, severe social phobia, an eating disorder and just about the lowest self esteem possible. I couldn\’t get myself out of the house on most days, but I managed to finish high school, and when I did, Jamie was really happy, my mom really upset that I was fucking up my life, and everyone else, including my boyfriend of almost a year completely ignored it.
My brother, I just found out, received almost $1000 from family and friends of my father and was taken out for a lobster dinner. I find this unleashes an incredibly bitter and immature response from me. Not that I hate my brother – it has nothing to do with my brother – but that my family sees me as and thoroughly expects me to be the fuckup. Anything I do that is not fucking up is completely brushed off as though it never happened and is not important. In my family\’s eyes, I am just a big fucking up burden that can not accomplish or succeed at anything positive.
I am one big ball of frustration. Tomorrow my psychiatrist gives me new drugs of some sort; mood stabilizers, things like that. Yippyfuckingskippy.
If I take a vacation, I have to figure out a way to leave me behind, too – it is the only way I will really get some rest and peace.
While writing this I was talking to Randy, and I am actually feeling a lot better. He keeps telling me how safe he feels around me, how easy I am to talk to, how he cannot talk to anyone else, how he always forgets how old I am… and then I think, are he and I even thinking of the same person when we think of me? Probably not. I like his me better. But… I am that me, that me and more. Me me me. I hate being this self-involved.
I had the ViF wrap up last night and it was really awesome. Mark had to take me beause of time constraints with my brother\’s graduation, and he stayed for the dinner and piped in on a lot of the conversation, which was really odd, but oh well. I have to remember to stay in better touch with everyone, and to go hang out with everyone if I can ever get my butt out the door in social mode, instead of in \’world domination\’ mode.
I talked to Katy about the Hips! Tits! Lips! Power! project which she has known about for a while – I started talking about it last summer. It is really odd, because I knew she had back problems and she told me once what caused them and it never sank in. We were talking about it last night after the meeting and wonder of wonders, she has FMS, too. She had not met anyone else who was young who had it, and has had a lot of bad experience with doctors. And, oh yeah, FUCKING HELL!!!!!
This is the woman who has been my absolute idol – if I had idols – since Sarah introduced me to her last year. She does EVERYTHING. A full time grant writer for a great non-profit, she also does the feminist book club, Positive Force, the ViF conference, her band Del Cielo, her record label Exotic Fever, writes for Punk Planet and some other places, writes zines, has a social life, is interviewed all the time by places like ym magazine and stuff, and just totally rocks my pathetic little world. And she has FMS. Fucking fucking hell. Her FMS only effects her back, but still… if she can do all that, I can do all mine.
Anyway, Katy is totally down with working for the HTLP project – she says it is something she has been wanting to do anyway, in zine form, so Robin, how does that sound, doing a zine too? I will e-mail you with the other ideas. Also, she is interested in helping me get a young persons FMS support group going since we are the only ones we know with it in this age group. Anybody else who knows young people who are afflicted with FMS, point them my way.
In other weirdness, eBay still has my account all listed and everything, and it has been seven months. Amusing. I should see if I can convince them to give me my account back, pretty please if I promise to not list things with the word \’cunt\’ in them out of the adult section. Yeah. I really do not want to waste those 322 positives when I could really use an account to start selling again. Hrm. Add it to my ever growing list of things to do.
And now, off to water the garden.