At seventeen, telling yourself and everyone else that you know and understand. Some people, older people, actually believing that yeah, you know the score. A few years later and you know that at seventeen you didn\’t know a damn thing… but underneath that, you also know that you\’ll never know anything again the way you knew what you did at seventeen. Conviction replaced by the constant plaguing questions of a supposed mental maturity. Spend the next few decades pondering the what ifs and the whys and the coulda beens, only to get old enough to realize none of it meant shit, anyway. And which is better: knowing, not knowing, or not giving a rat\’s arse? And which is worse: giving up as you thought, holding out as you are, or giving in the way you inevitably will?
At seventeen, I tossed my green-eyed envy toward those much farther along the lines of life accomplishments. Everyone seemed to be 24, and everyone 24 seemed to have their shit together. Some years later and you realize that nobody really did. Were you as mature as them or were they as immature as you? And where are we all now? We\’ve had our little adventures, our little schemes and failures. Some of us doing better than others, most of us right back where we started. Is this because the roots are strong or because the rubber factor of fear is stronger? My old friends are now hovering around 30 and the minutes to my 24th are fast flying by. If I could dial it back six years would I stay? Would things have been any better? Absolutely fucking not.
Didn\’t do jack for my 18th. 21 was a similar bomb. Last year I stayed in with the boy, had chocolate cake and watched movies, just grateful to have made it that far and not wanting to be bothered thinking about the year ahead. Set this strict goal for myself back when I was seventeen, telling myself I\’d have my shit together by the time I was 24, as all my friends then seemed to. Hitting the 23rd and realizing I had a year left on that plan, well… is that \”shit together\” relative to how I saw things then or relative to how I see things now? Doesn\’t matter a toss, now, does it? Gonna hit the big one, one way or another, come this June. I\’ll be the one in red, dancing with that simpering look of oblivion on my face. It\’s a birthday, like any other, but this one, this one is different. My little coming of age ceremony, in my own mind. Where to go, what to do, and who to do it with? Thoughts on the matter? Jam?
Oh, and in other news… tohellwithpoverty.com is mine. No shit. I\’m in solid lurrrve. No possible way to express how absolutely excited I am over this.