Fucking doctors. Usually when I walk into my appointments they wait for me to talk. Yesterday and today the first thing they said before I barely even sat down was \”how are you feeling?\” Good lord. I got dissected. My medication levels were doubled today. Apparently I am having a severe mixed episode, and why did I not call her as soon as it started? Um…
Why can it not be that I am wearing halter tops and little shorts because it is swelteringly hot outside, not because I am manic? Why can it not be that I am uncharacteristically social because I got bored being anti-social, not because I am manic? Why can it not be that I am occasionally needy, sad and lonely because I recently broke up with my boyfriend, and not because I am depressed? Why does it have to be a mixed episode?
She asked me how my negative thought processes were and I said I thought they were doing okay and that it was not a bi polar episode — that it was all a borderline issue because they were all borderline symptoms: neediness, abandonment issues, loneliness, and sadness, because they only took place after I went home for the evening and was alone and had nothing to distract me from myself. She looked at me and finally said that she had never in all her years of practice heard a borderline have the insight to know when their mood swings and ideations were borderline symptoms, but that it was then a catch 22, because if you are borderline and can see when it is happening, can you actually be borderline?
I have always been able to see the difference between my borderline symptoms and my bi polar ones. Or maybe it really is all just bunk and everybody in therapy is just a lazy, self-indulgent schmuck. I really do not like what therapy is doing to my head.