\”By the time I make my way to the border of Mauritania, to the edge of the Sahara, I see no end to being lost. You can spend your entire life simply falling in that direction. It isn\’t a station you reach but just the general state of going down. Once you make it back, if you make it back, you will stand before your long-lost friends but in some essential way they will no longer know you.\”
— Nick Flynn, Another Bullshit Night in Suck City pg 182 (2004 WW Norton & Company)
* * *
Sometimes I feel like I haven\’t lived yet, and therefore have nothing worth saying.
I\’m in a place where I can\’t tell if I\’m going up or down, moving forward or ahead, looking to the past or to the future; most of all I\’m afraid it doesn\’t matter, one way or the other.
Something about the time between then and now has left its mark, and we don\’t know each other anymore. Did you leave me behind, or I, you?
I liked us all better in the memories I had created for us to live in, but now we\’re a stark contrast of those lies.
I feel like a shadow of my former self, and yet, somehow, better: more alive.
Am I happier today?