This is an entry I have been trying to not write, but it is demanding to come out of my head.
I have been incredibly dissatisfied with my life of late.
It started when I went off my medication due to not having the money to refill it. I was off it six days. I have been back on it for three, though it will be four later tonight. I am worried that even once the medication goes back through my system that I will still feel like this.
Every single time I have gone off my medication \’on purpose\’ I have had some sort of life shaking epiphany, thereby causing me to change something drastically. Once having one of these revelations, my mind never goes back to the way it used to be.
I have ceased to care about a lot of the things that I had previously found to be important.
Maybe I am just being silly. I do not know. Right now I am not sure I give a damn about anything in my life.
The conference was really good, but I am not in the mood to talk about it. I made new friends, which is good. I may never get around to talking about this past weekend, which would be a shame because a lot of it really kicked my ass. My workshops went fine.
I cannot wait until tomorrow. Therapy! Then I can finally talk about all this shit; all I have managed to talk about in the past week has been the conference. Now I get to talk about things that are going to be a bit more long lasting and have greater effect, and are therefore, scarier.
Right now I have: zero patience, zero tolerance, zero compassion and hell of a lot of \’just fucking piss off, I do not want to deal with you ever again\’, being directed towards everyone, no one, and myself in particular.
What it all adds up to, basically, is that I have shit all I need to be doing right now, no deadlines, no pressure, no expectations, nothing, and nothing makes me more nervous and sick than anything else. If I do not have something to struggle to meet, if I do not have environmental stress, I get depressed. How fucking sick is that?
Off to find something outside my head to stress about….