You know what\’s going to be really funny? If the biopsy tomorrow turns out positive for cervical cancer which has already spread to my lymph nodes, which would explain the acute pain I have felt in my left side along the lower end of my pelvic bone for years. After all the tests and all the doctors and everybody saying there ain\’t nothing there (until last month when I finally managed to see a chiropractor who took x-rays and showed me where my bones were all out of whack and collapsing)… but then it turns out, it\’s actually CANCER. That would be fucking hilarious.
So tomorrow I\’m getting part of my cervix removed. La de da di da. I keep making jokes with the people who know about it, which numbers my gyno, the people on LJ, and Will. I haven\’t told anyone else yet. I don\’t have the guts to bring it up. Many times in the past week I have turned to Will, sa-shayed my ass at him, and purred \”Cancer is sexxxy!\” He asked me why I keep saying that, and to be honest, I do need to come up with something wittier. Cancer from an STD ain\’t sexy, and I don\’t want anyone else to ever have to deal with this, though so many thousands of women all over the world do every year. I guess I want the point to be, \”Just because I contracted myself a nice little STD which is the most infectious and least treatable of all the STDs, and just because if it isn\’t now it likely will at some point eat my entire reproductive system with the mutating cells of cancer, doesn\’t mean I\’m not still horny and sexy, DAMMIT.\” But that doesn\’t make a great t-shirt, so at the moment I\’m just sticking with \”Cancer is sexxxxy!\” Suggestions welcome, though it\’s too late to tell me to keep my fly shut, so don\’t even try.
The more jokes I crack, the more frightened I actually am. Hide it with humor. My greatest defense is my incredibly sick and tasteless sense of humor. \”Oh baby, I want you. Lick my cancer infested cunt!\” It\’s gonna be a long ride to the gyno\’s tomorrow, lemme tell ya.
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Consumer Reports magazine recently printed a wonderful consumer guide to condoms and other birth control devices. Apparently many people have cancelled their subscriptions to voice their displeasure at the seemingly distasteful inclusion of something that SAVES LIVES. In typical Cassandra fashion, I had to write them a letter:
Thank you for your reviews of condoms and other birth control methods in your recent issue. As any unhappy parent will tell you, choosing the proper product is the most important decision a sexually active adult can make. Not only that, but a working condom saves millions of lives every year.
Twenty-three years ago, my parents chose a poor brand of prophylactics, and one rip and eight months later, I was born. With better education, they and others like them, would not have to face the same mistake. Thank you for providing much needed information in a time when \”abstinence-only\” education is encouraged but not an enforced practice by the students or even the instructors.
Rubber saves and so does sheep skin,
Cassandra J. Perry