What a difference medication makes to a bi polar kiddie, no? Hallucinations were apparently enough to scare my mother into buying the next round of Lamictal. I do not have health insurance so a month\’s supply clocks in at around $300. 75mg in my system and the people in the pictures on my walls stopped moving around and I was finally able to sleep.
The joys of my brain chemistry.
When people say, Cassandra, you should smoke pot for your chronic pain when they know that I have bi polar, I cannot even dignify their advice with a response. Marijuana can cause hallucinations, mania, and psychosis in bi polar folk, and simply from the symptoms I experience from second hand smoke in hot boxing situations, it would appear that I am one of those people. Outrageous to think that they are themselves thinking the situation through to its furthest extent when they are making their recommendation. Pass the j — no, really, I will pass on the j.
After all those years of not being in control, the one thing that I want now is to be in control. Embracing my mental illness and purposefully triggering its symptoms is not going to get me there. Only in finding ways to even myself out instead of delving into the sickness will I be in control. You cannot take my control. Do not even try. This is why I will not even get shitfaced: I have to have that control of myself. It seems like only in bed am I willing to let that control be taken away, but even then, it must be a struggle and my power must be hard fought to be taken from me. Be prepared to be scratched and bruised.
An odd mixture of joy and sorrow today. Who knows what the future will hold for Stereolab with Mary dead? Damn motorists, not watching for bicyclists — it is an old story, but still a sad one. Very sad. I would be disappointed if the band continued on without her, since she had been with them since the first record, ten years ago. That is more than just being a vocalist in a band; that is family. She should be irreplacable. We shall see.
On a cheerier note, my post office box was filled with mail from people on my friends list. , I am almost done with your CDs and they will be in the mail later this week. I adored your wee note; I stuck that shit on my wall! Hot Ukranian men, indeed. , thank you for the CDs! I am sending you CDs with my next out going shipment, as well. Have not had a chance to listen to yours yet, as I have been compiling all day. I am glad you made it home safely, though.
So many things are going on, I feel like I cannot keep up with it all. I am glad I have the next month off from school to organize and catch back up on everything else.
Too much music, not enough time to listen to it all, cannot decide what to listen to next, should be listening to new stuff but keep wanting to revisit other things… it is doing my head in. Where are the girls?