From various e-mails to Caesar today:
Funny: When I was 20, the therapist I was seeing was trying to talk me through a break-up with a boy. I was very frustrated by the way the boy was behaving, which in my mind, was very immature, because he was running away and refusing to talk to me instead of confronting the issue. This was the exchange with the therapist:
Him, \”So, you\’re angry at him; why?\”
Me, \”Why can\’t he act like an adult?!\”
Him, \”How do you think adults act?\”
Me, \”Not like that!\”
Him, \”Oh, but they do. That\’s why there are couples counseling and divorce lawyers.\”
I didn\’t have a good response to that, which I guess is why I decided I had finally found a good therapist.
* * *
I feel like a lover in a relationship whose partner won\’t touch them, because the other students in my classes won\’t dialogue with me, so I\’ve been running around babbling quasi-educated nonsense to thin air trying to get some damn fulfillment. If you can pay for sex by the hour, where can you go to pay for a really good conversation by the hour? Therapy. And I used to do that; for the last year I was in therapy, that\’s what I was doing. I had to pay someone to talk to me, in order to have conversation on the topics I was interested in. I\’m starting to think I might do that again. I feel like I\’m paying school in order to be out on a tundra.
* * *
I have to find the \’off\’ switch. Or at least the \’mute\’ switch, or the \’move to back burner\’ switch. Or something.