Herr doktor! I am lazy and self indulgent! I date lazy and self indulgent people, and when I do not, the non lazy and self indulent people leave me!
No, that is not the way to start this.
I have been hit with this sudden intense fear of leaving the house or of communicating with anyone whom I have not known for more than a few months. This fear is especially of anyone who may be \’interested\’ in \’pursuing\’ anything with me. Am I manic? Would anyone fucking tell me if I was?
Aaron fell in love with me when I was manic and then was sorely let down with the real me once he realized that uh… well… the real me is not ragingly self confident at all times and the life of the effing party. Having re-read December\’s journal entries, I realized, oh yeah… I was a medicated manic when Mark and I met.
I am pretty much a social recluse except when I am manic. I get these spurts of \’lets go see lots of people, remember, I have friends!\’ so I do, and it lasts a few days or a few weeks and then I come down and hide again and people are left wondering what the hell happened to me because… well, what happens to the me they love so much?
I am scared to go out. Heaven forbid I should make any friends who then wonder what happens to me once I come down or make a stupid manic decision.
More than a few people in the past week have told me that they are worried about me. I am not sleeping. I am not eating. My mood is erratic. I have odd ideations out of nowhere. I am oddly social. I was just depressed for several weeks. All of which could be explained by many things, but in truth, I cycle every three months, and it is three months. Which means this whole \”I got my shit together, I figured my life out, I know what I am going to do\” thing is an illusion and in a couple of weeks I am just going to feel like absolute shit again. Which is such a fucking joke, because I never felt anything more real in my life.
Jimi Hendrix playing \”I Can\’t Get No Satisfaction\”… I can\’t get no girlie action, and I try, and I try, and I try Thanks, Jam. 😉 I hope things are going well with Leigh, you scoundrel, you!
Well, that is enough self-fascinated indulgence for one sitting, eh?
