I was asked to be a member of Reid Mihalko’s accountability pod. After thinking it over for sometime, I accepted, but not for reasons that might be assumed.

As a survivor of multiple rapes, sexual assault, and sexual coercion, my default mindset is to support victims and survivors. For me, part of that used to mean that I would sever relations with anyone accused of boundary violations, but over the past few years I have stopped automatically doing that. I now determine my course of action based on the responses of the accused.

The Macro Reasoning

Above all, I believe in rehabilitation. I believe that everyone fucks up and that every adult has, at some time, violated someone else’s boundaries. (I know that I have, over and over, but this isn’t about that.) Whether it was an accident, a misunderstanding, or a purposeful violation, I believe that many people can learn to adjust their thinking and stop these behaviors. Like the old lightbulb joke, folks have to want to change and they have to be willing to put the time, energy, and commitment into making these changes. It’s not easy work. It can cause PTSD (and while some might argue for retributive justice — “an eye for an eye” — that’s not my M.O.). When it comes to restorative justice in cases of boundary violations, there are more failures than successes and all parties involved ought to realize that.

Over the past few years, I’ve started examining why I feel that there are more failures than successes at this kind of rehabilitation. What I’ve come up with is that there are often far more resources and support for victims, survivors, and their communities, than there are for those who have been called out. I believe that this is a problem. As victims, survivors, and communities, we can ask for change, accountability, and restitution all we want, but people accused of boundary violations need guidance and support in order to even know what the work is that they need to do, let alone during the process of doing the work.

There are a few non-profits in the USA that offer resources to those accused (Men Can Stop Rape and Men Stopping Violence, thank you for your work) and there are several community groups working to provide assistance, but you have to know these resources are out there in order to find them.

I want to boost these resources and assist people who want to work on change and accountability through their participation in restorative justice. Here, in Washington, DC, I’ve started working with a small group of people who want to assist others similarly. The group is in its first stages and I don’t yet know what will become of it, but I know that I believe in it and in this work.

The Micro Reasoning

In 2011, I had my own experiences with Reid that consisted of him crossing boundaries by speaking inappropriately to me and treating me in a degrading manner. I was a volunteer with the Momentum conference and my experiences related to that volunteering. The incidents did not occur at Momentum itself and neither of the interactions consisted of anything sexual. I sort of let it slide and it was a few years before I started talking about it to anyone. When I did begin to mention it during one-on-one conversations with folks in the greater sex education community, the people I told universally responded with remarks like, “That doesn’t surprise me,” and “Oh, that’s Reid, for sure.” These responses left me disappointed in the community — why was this behavior tolerated? — and greatly disliking Reid.

Fast forward to January, when The Daily Beast article was released. I followed the multiple conversations happening in private and public forums. I read Reid’s quotes in the article itself, as well as his first public statement. I was horrified and disgusted by everything he said. Still, something didn’t quite gel with me. Reid’s words in the article and his statement didn’t seem to match the way two of my dearest loves always talk about him, describing him as an eager, lovable communicator. I didn’t like Reid, I didn’t like how he was responding, but I felt there was more going on than I, and the rest of the general public, could see.

I arranged to speak with someone from Reid’s accountability pod to share my experiences with Reid. Despite those experiences not having been sexually-related, I felt they were part of the bigger picture about who Reid is/was and why he acts/acted the way he did/does. After making this report, I was asked to join the pod. As stated earlier, I accepted.

Please understand, I’m not doing this to run public relations for Reid. I’m not doing this in an attempt to make him appear “better” to the public. I’m not doing this out of spite for or disbelief of Kelly (I don’t know Kelly, but I fully believe her) or any other victim or survivor.

I’m doing this because I’ve disliked Reid for almost seven years, and despite my experiences with him, I did nothing about them. I didn’t even talk to Reid about them until a few days ago. If I’m little known for anything, it’s for being a confrontational, outspoken, pain in the ass. But, I didn’t behave in those ways about Reid. It didn’t even occur to me to do so. But it occurred to me that I can be that confrontational, outspoken, pain in the ass about Reid now, and it might even do so some good. So, here I am, on the accountability pod.

Let me be very clear that I have committed to doing this work because I want Reid to be accountable — and the many, many things that entails. But, I also want to be clear that I think the greater sex education community also needs to be held accountable, not just for not calling out Reid, but for the numerous other transgressions, violations, and misdirections within and around the community and industry that frequently happen and aren’t stopped, aren’t spoken about publicly, and aren’t changed.

It’s on all of us for every one of us to do better.

P.S. Even more transparency: One of my partners has been an ongoing volunteer with Reid’s Sex Geek Summer Camp.