How important is vaginal penetration to me? That’s what I spent much of today trying to figure out.

I have… complex feelings about my vagina, as someone who’s a trauma survivor as well as someone who is nonbinary. But despite those complex feelings, there is nothing that feels as satisfying to me as having my vagina filled. No matter how painful it is, I can’t get enough of that feeling. And I realize that a lot of that has to do with my psychological issues, but I can’t separate those from the physiological satisfaction it brings.

I don’t want to lose the ability to have penetrative sex below the waist. And if I lose my vagina, I’ll consider it lost despite the option to have anal penetration because of how rarely anal penetration actually feels good for me. I’m not the biggest fan of having anal penetration because it causes me more pain and discomfort than vaginal penetration — so that’s not something I would consider to be a viable alternative. Maybe the anal pain would clear up if the vaginal issues were addressed, but there’s no way of knowing. Vaginal penetration, despite the pain it brings, brings me pleasure and fulfillment, while anal penetration really does not.

Sure, there are times when vaginal penetration is just getting fucked (and that feels damn good), but there are also times when I feel connected to my partner during vaginal penetration in ways that I have never experienced from any other type of sexual activity. And again, I know that’s psychological, but I can’t separate that from the physiological response.

I think there’s something about the fact that I didn’t get to consent to the first time I was penetrated, and then living in constant fear of that loss of control for most of my life, that makes vaginal penetration (at times) extra special for me. When I’m feeling connected with someone, I’m wholly aware that I’m choosing those moments, participating in those moments, not having those moments done to me. And that heightens the feeling of connection for me; I feel like it’s a gift I’m giving both myself and my partner. And I don’t want to lose that gift or the feeling that it brings. And I don’t want to try to find a substitute/surrogate act for it, either.

As a sex and neuroscience nerd, I know that with neuroplasticity exercises the emotional fulfillment I get from vaginal penetration can be rerouted to another act. But the retraining doesn’t always work. And when it doesn’t work, it doesn’t always feel as fulfilling. And I simply don’t want to lose that emotional fulfillment.

So, that answers how important vaginal penetration is for me, doc. I won’t be undergoing the obliterative procedure any time soon. Recurring prolapse it shall be.

From The Personal to The Political: A Thought Process Regarding Worsening Disability And Activism

  1. A Medical Appointment (CN: Mentions of anatomy, medical conditions of sexual and pelvic organs, and medical procedures. No descriptions or details.)
  2. TMI: Sex (CN: Sex, anatomy, gender, psychology. Mentions of sexual trauma without descriptions or details.)
  3. Causation (CN: Mentions of anatomy, medical conditions of sexual organs, medical procedures, and medical trauma/neglect. No descriptions or details.)
    1. 2002: Pelvic pain origins
    2. 2011: Diagnosis and treatment of original injury
    3. 2013: Continued treatment
    4. 2018: Hysterectomy
    5. 2019: Diagnoses related to pelvic pain
  4. Feelings
  5. Developmental Years & Privilege
  6. Trying
    1. The Disability and Sexuality Access Network
    2. We Need Some Fucking Help, Desperately
  7. Asking for Help is Really Damn Complicated
    1. Labor and money are both forms of capital and we’re short on both
    2. Disposability politics
    3. Oppression olympics and privilege
    4. “Capability”
    5. Access as a privilege
    6. Capability as ability and incapability as disability
    7. The movement can make us capable; it can also render us incapable
  8. We Are Nowhere Without The Movement to Support Us