One of the beautiful things about the internet is that in five minutes I can track down nearly ever biggie former lover in my book and see what they are up to these days. And then the kid gets out of the shower, and I have to close the porn.
Last night I told my mom about moving to Oz permanently. I\’ve had better conversations. Told the one friend back in the states that I bothered to actually tell; always hard to tell where he stands on things.
The sprog is now talking about how she wants to come live here with us. Dr. Maude said last night that he knew this day would come eventually. Now he\’s going to start looking into schools here for her.
Full time mom of a teenager at twenty-four?
Can I turn the clock back a day and take back telling everyone we have decided to move here? \’Cos this wasn\’t part of the deal.
I really enjoy hanging out with the kid except it is impossible to get anything done. Classes, etc. Even once she is in school, it is going to be difficult. Do I want to live in a situation where I can no longer walk around my home naked? (This is a serious problem, as I don\’t like wearing clothes.) No more impromptu fuckery while doing the dishes, no stumbling in the door, drunk, at three in the morning. Being responsible from here on out. Like, completely and totally responsible, for another human life. I don\’t want that sort of responsibility, not right now, and maybe not ever.
Dr. Maude always told me he and the kid were a package deal. I\’ve been well aware. But I never thought we\’d be together this long, much less in this context, and I never thought the kid would suddenly want to come live with us right at this point in life. She actually told me yesterday that she wouldn\’t want to do it if I weren\’t with her dad, because I\’m much cooler to be around than her dad or her mom. And that I make Dr. Maude more tolerable. I mean, fuck, I\’m flattered and all, but sheeeut, kid. Sheeut! You like me \’cos I treat you like a human being instead of like being my kid. That\’s the difference. But if I have to live with you year round, I can guarantee that is going to change, and I eventually these feelings of resentment that I harbor are going to come out.
It\’s sort of weird how really happy I have been lately, while still recognizing this large, angry beast that is gnawing away inside of me. I\’m pissed at the kid, at her dad and her mom, at myself, at my old friends, at \”livejournal,\” at the damn web site, at the USA gov\’t, at the internet, at \”fate\” or \”luck\” or \”chance\” or \”Providence\” or whatever it is that makes life so damn interesting and yet so trite.
What I really want to be doing right now is finishing the Worker\’s Rights march from this morning, instead of trying to figure out what to get the kid for lunch. And then when the march is over, I want to go see a glacier.
