Life has been insane since my last entry, which was only yesterday. Fucking hell.
I woke up yesterday, went to class as usual. Berndardo started talking to me about Joey Ramone (RIP) while I was squatting down on the floor (as usual before class). I\’ve always had problems with my left knee; often when I am squatting it gives out from under me when I attempt to stand. Sometimes it randomly does it while I\’m walking or standing. Yesterday when I went to stand up, it started to give out. When that happens I immediately sit back down and wait for the pain to subside before attempting to stretch it back out or put weight on it. This time I was so busily discussing Joey Ramone that I
didn\’t think about my leg, and continued to stand and straighten. POP went my knee. When I got home from class I put my leg brace on. It continued to be painful all day, especially when straightening and stepping down. So I went to the doctor\’s today. She examined my leg and told me that when I move my leg, something sticks out further than normal behind my knee. She thinks I tore my meniscus, which is a ligament in the knee. She set me up with an appointment with an orthopedic doctor for tomorrow, to get an MRI. They think I might need surgery. Really fucking great, as I still have no health insurance. In the meantime, I\’m on crutches, which means no Depeche Mode dance party on Friday night. 🙁 I\’ve been looking forward to it all month.
So that\’s my shitty news. On with the good stuff.
I went to work yesterday for the first time in a month. It went pretty well. I was supposed to go in today but couldn\’t because I had to wait around for the doctor. Depending on what the orthopedic doctor says tomorrow, I\’ll be going to work afterwards.
Last night, of course, was also the Billy Idol show. I\’ve written a review of the show for my webzine, so if you\’re interested in the concert, go read that. I\’ll just sum the concert itself up to say it kicked ass. In fact, I was surprised it was so good.
Now the juicy gossipy part. MA picked me up from therapy at 7pm, and we drove into the city, talking non-stop. He took me to Fresh Fields first, so I could get something to eat (a fruit bowl and two apples, which cost me $5.50! insane!), then we went straight to the club. I got to meet Norm, the manager, who it turns out went to CMU. (hahaha) So we talked about Pittsburgh for awhile, and then MA and I went into the club. We had VIP passes, so we got to sit in the VIP balcony. We were the first people in the balcony, and I literally got the best seat in the house; directly facing center stage. Hot damn.
Conversation started at 7pm and went non-stop until Mr. Idol took the stage at 9:30. Conversation then resumed immediately after the show (10:45), and continued on the way to the car, on the way back to MA\’s apartment (shaddup, nothing happened! I promise!) and then to the metro. We talked each other\’s ears off, it was unbelievable. I haven\’t conversed like that with someone since I first met Josh online last winter. And our conversation ran the gamut, including the ultimate taboo topic that I hate discussing with anyone – religion. MA\’s Catholic, but he\’s the most open-minded Catholic I\’ve ever met. He\’s really into the spirituality aspect, and includes Starhawk (one of my favorite pagan authors) as an influence. Hot damn, again. We discussed drugs, and straightedge, and he told me a bit about his ex-girlfriend of eight years.
We also talked about school and mental health and sex, though not in a sexual way. We talked about my interest in the sex masters program at Hopkins. One (yes, one of several!) of MA\’s degrees is from the John Hopkins school of international relations. Freudian typing, I just typed \”relationships\” instead of \”relations\”. Oops. We talked about how he is unable to have sexual relations without love. For some reason, this doesn\’t bother me. I carefully avoided all details about my past, though I did finish coming out to him about my mental illnesses, which he was totally cool about.
So we talked basically all night, enjoyed each others company immensely. I am utterly floored. This was, essentially, my first date, ever. With anyone. Because I consider a date to be an outing where sexual relations (Freudian typing again) have not precluded the event. I\’ve fucked or fooled around with people who\’ve then taken me out, but never the other way around. Another hot damn.
The night ended with him asking me out again for this weekend. He\’s so sweet, as though he feared I\’d say no. He said \”so in running with the Billy Idol theme while it\’s still fresh in our minds, would you like to come over this weekend and watch The Wedding Singer with me?\” Well duh, of course I would. So then he dropped me off at the metro and gave me a sweet hug goodbye, and that was that. No sex! Nothing even remotely close! Were he anyone else, I would be utterly shocked and even offended. But I was neither.
Issues I am having with this: #1 I no longer give a damn about enjoying my singleness. I\’d rather enjoy MA. Meep. #2 I am afraid that if he knew the way I see sex, and about my sexual past and recent present, that it would totally turn him off. #3 I\’d be willing for the first time since I was 15 to attempt that dreaded \”m\” word – monogamy – if it meant being with him. #4 His last relationship lasted 8 years; I don\’t know if I want expectations of that kind of
commitment. He might not have those expectations, which would be a good thing. #5 I can easily talk to him about just about anything, but I\’m still completely shut down around people, including him, when it comes to emotions and reaching out to anybody. I\’m afraid to let go around him and actually talk about feelings, any feelings. #5 I don\’t know if I could ever be the little girl around him; being that he\’s so much older, I\’m afraid he\’d think I was incredibly immature.
*bitch slaps self*
I\’m going to sit back, relax, and just wait until the weekend to see what happens. No obsessing. Friday night I can\’t go to the dance party, so I\’ll probably see MA then. Saturday I\’m meeting some pagan people from online and having a pagan movie night at the Crescent Moon Coffee Klatch. Sunday is the DRADA meeting. lalalalalala
Hopefully I\’ll have no reason to have another entry until after this weekend. Pray that all goes well with my knee tomorrow. And pray that I get off my ass and answer some e-mail, which I am horribly behind on at this point. I also need to finish up the Star Empire site and to do the Positive Damage site. I completely wasted today, laying in bed because it was too painful to move my leg. Fuck pain. I gotta get work done.
Oh yeah, something else worth mentioning: talked to P-funk on the phone today for nearly two hours. He mentioned Koala Monkey Doodle came to him for some love advice. Ironic, that. Makes me wanna puke, that does. P-funk\’s my friend and I never get to talk to him and now Koala Monkey Doodle\’s talking to him about everything all the time and that really pisses me off. Yes, I am jealously guarding my best friend; he\’s the only best friend I have, for chrissakes! And after the stuff that he\’s said about Koala Monkey Doodle, to still be his friend and talk to him about intimate matters really baffles me. Gah. I guess we\’re all two faced, though. We all talk about people behind their backs. But at least I don\’t reach to Koala Monkey Doodle to talk to him; the only times we talk are when he messages me.
I\’d be a hypocrite (and much unhappier) if I reached to Koala Monkey Doodle for friendship. More and more it baffles me as to how we were ever able to get along. The more friends I make here in D.C., the more I realize that I tolerated the people in Pittsburgh (including Koala Monkey Doodle) because I was so lonely and desperate for contact of any kind. 90% of the time I talked to the people there, I wanted to smack them silly. Koala Monkey Doodle and I carefully avoided specific conversational topics because we couldn\’t agree on them and that disagreement would make me want to wring his neck. So all the things that were important to me: religion, community, politics, feminism, drugs, economics, etc. were never discussed. So what the fuck did we find to talk about? I can\’t remember for the life of me. All I know is that I can talk to the people I\’ve met here without seeing red, and I could never do that with Koala Monkey Doodle or his friends. I can talk to people here without feeling looked down upon, and I rarely felt that with Koala Monkey Doodle\’s friends. Desperation truly does make its point, and that point is that not only can desperate acts never be forgiven, but that desperate acts are just insanely poor choices. I still don\’t regret my time with Koala Monkey Doodle; there were lessons there that I needed to learn. I just feel like I learned all of them by mid-September, and so everything after that was a complete and utter
waste of my time.
Talking about all this with Mel, and I\’m realizing more and more that I had a crush on Koala Monkey Doodle, which developed into me loving
his spirit, but not his person/point of views/beliefs/actions. For the first time, I\’m realizing that six and a half months of me telling him that I loved him was a lie that I had convinced myself to believe because I was so lonely and desperate for companionship. Between that, and my desperate need to feel loved after what I went through with Snoopy, I ended up putting up with someone from August (because that\’s when I first realized he drove me crazy, as is evidenced by my one journal entry from that time) through December. Once the initial shock of the breakup and me feeling abandoned was over, I felt nothing but relieved. I didn\’t have to pretend anymore, I didn\’t have to keep my mouth shut anymore, I didn\’t have to give up the things I cared passionately about. I could be me again. And I learned that it\’s better to be me and to be lonely, than to be with people who I dislike and who drive me crazy and who I have to censor myself for.
It\’s always better to be myself, even if I don\’t like myself, than it is to try to be someone and something I\’m not. And the more I accept this, the happier I am with who I am.
And as I told P-funk, who cares about the past? Because you know what? They may be assholes and they may move on and they may fuck you over and they may do all sorts of things that make you upset. But in the end, they\’re going to die. Yup, one day they\’ll be dead. And
we\’ll wear red to their funerals. So FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU ALL! And yeah, one day I\’ll be dead too, but you know what? That doesn\’t matter. What\’s important is that they can fuck with you all they want, but it doesn\’t matter, because one day they\’re going to be nothing but food for worms. *manic laughter* It\’s fucking morbid, but somehow, just knowing that one day people will have to give up their happy little meaningless lives to die makes me feel a hell of a lot better about life. I guess that deep down, I\’ve still got some goth in me. 😉
Another oh yeah… I had a very, very interesting time on the metro last night, which can also be read about on the webzine, so check that out.
Right, work to do…
I forgot to mention… my drug use and abuse increases. My physician gave me oodles of samples of Vioxx, a prescription NSAID to ease up my knee. *rubs hands together* Repeat after me, class, drugs are bad. But what is that saying? Do as I say and not as I do? Yeah, that\’s it… My Zyprexa has lactose in it, I can\’t be fucking straightedge even if I wanted to. HA! I will eat my steak and there\’s nothing you can do about it, and I will shoot my shit and there\’s nothing you can do about that, either! HA HA HA HA FUCK YOU. I am off to shower.
