I make a great side dish, but a lousy main course.

I take too long to prepare and it is hard to find a salad, soup, appetizer, side dish, dessert, and wine to compliment me.

I am hard to find the ingredients to, I come with no instructions, and only an expert appliance manipulator should even consider attempting me more than once.

I make for a messy clean up, I don\’t take well to being a left over, and yet I refuse to be tossed down the drain or fed to the dog.

I cause indigestion, heart burn, queasiness, headache, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, diarrhea, constipation, frequent urination, and am resistant to most medications.

I am expensive and hard to maintain.

No matter how much effort is put into me, the finished result lasts all of five minutes before my icing starts to run.

No matter how often I am whipped, I am still lumpy, not smooth.

I am a great piece of ass but I don\’t look good when fried.

I have so much alcohol in my accompaniment that any partakers will become addled very quickly.

I require all natural, hard to find, organic ingredients, and I balk at all additives and preservatives.

I refuse to be processed.

I don\’t look good when covered in plastic wrap and I refuse to be packaged in porcelain or china, yet I am staunchly against the use of paper and Styrofoam products.

Company doesn\’t like me.

Your mother doesn\’t like me.

Even your dog doesn\’t like me.

I leave an odd smell when I have been left on the shelf overnight.

I burn quickly and cannot maintain a steady temperature.

I fool you with an initial sweet smell, but I leave a bitter after taste.

You cannot find my recipe in any book, web site, or from a former maker.

Where every chef has tried to perfect me, they have failed and been disappointed with their end result.

I taste worse on the way back up.

Many find that they are quite allergic to me. Overexposure may cause irritation, rash, hyperventilation.

There is no way to ever replicate me or reexperience me, and frankly, you won\’t want to.

In short, it is a bad idea to try and set me out at your table. It is a worse idea to try and keep me around for seconds. And you would be a fool to think I could satisfy you without having other dishes to sample from while you attempt to get your fill of me.

Don\’t try and make a meal of me. You\’ll be disappointed.