The surgery on my knee is on Monday. Three and a half more days. Unlike the first knee surgery, this time I\’m worried. I wish I had a smidge of the feeling of invincibility that I had when I was 20. It doesn\’t help that this time, the doctor is actually repairing the knee instead of just draining the fluid and loose pieces. This time, my ligaments are actually being cut apart and fused back together. On the outside of my knee, they\’re being extended. On the inside of my knee, they\’re being tightened.
With any person of normal health, recovery time is 1-3 months with this procedure, though pain on the outside of the knee (around the extended ligaments) is possible to continue for an unknown time — possibly even forever. In someone with my condition(s), my doctor says I could be looking at a recovery time of 3-6 months, but there\’s really no way of knowing. There\’s also a much higher chance that I will have permanent pain in the outer ligaments. I might not be able to recover the strength in the knee/leg, and it could start to waste (partially due to the pain); I could end up in a wheelchair. There\’s no way of knowing the odds for that. In terms of the procedure being successful for fixing the continuing random dislocation of my knee, the surgery has a success rate of 90%+, which is why I\’m taking the risk. Risk being in a wheelchair for life (it\’s probably a small risk, I\’m guessing) versus the inevitability of my knee dislocating again while I\’m in a vulnerable position (as in any time I\’m not at home).
With the fear building and my unwillingness to discuss it with anyone, I haven\’t talked to anybody in weeks to months — even online. I just want to keep my head down and get this surgery behind me. Once it\’s done, I have to spend a week or longer recovering at my parent\’s house, as we determined the wheelchair is not feasible in this apartment. I\’m so wary of the isolation and the pain, combined with the possibilities of the unknown future, that even writing this is making my stomach turn. I can\’t think about it. I have to stop.
I\’ve worked every night this week to keep my mind off it, and I\’ll be working every night until I\’m cut. Friday, bouncing at Liberation; Saturday, bouncing at Nouveau Douche; Sunday, bartending for My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult (which is gonna be interesting because I can\’t eat or drink after midnight, and I\’m not sure how I\’m going to get through three hours without drinking water). Work = sanctuary.
