I know I got a bad reputation
and it isn\’t just talk, talk, talk
If I could only give you everything
You know I haven\’t got
I couldn\’t have one conversation
If it wasn\’t for the lies, lies, lies
And still I ought to tell you everything
\’till I close my eyes
Suddenly I\’m on the street
Seven years disappear below my feet
Been breaking down
Do you want me now?
Do you want me now?
Suddenly I\’m down in Harold\’s Square
Looking in the crowd, your face is everywhere
Been turning around
Do you want me now?
Do you want me now?
Don\’t try to be an inspiriation
Just wasting your time, time, time
You know about the best I\’ll ever be
See it in your eyes
I know I got a bad reputation
and it isn\’t just talk, talk, talk
If I could only give you everything
You know I haven\’t got
Suddenly I\’m on the street
Seven years disappear below my feet
Been breaking down
Do you want me now?
Do you want me now?
Suddenly I\’m in another place
Looking in the crowd I think I see your face
Been turning around
Do you want me now?
Do you want me now?
(Down, Down, down)
Do you want me now?
Do you want me now?
(Down, Down, down)
Do you want me now?
Do you want me now?
(Down, Down, down)
Don\’t you think I\’ve heard the talk?
Nobody\’s gonna to tell me who to love
Been breaking down
Do you want me now?
Do you want me now?
Suddenly I\’m down on Harold\’s Square
Looking in the crowd, your face is everywhere
Just turning around
Do you want me now?
Do you want me now?
Been breaking down
Do you want me now?
Do you want me now?
I\’m just breaking down, down, down, down
Been breaking down, down, down
Been breaking down, down, down
After the events of the past few days, I have missed about four doses of medication, resulting in my timeline starting to slide, my brain starting to frizz, and in the midst of studying tonight a little dim light went on in my head and it occurs to me, \’Dra, it is 1995, and Do you want me now?. Well, do you?
And suddenly this song I have not thought about in years is all I can think about, and I am sitting in my room surrounded by my text books singing the damn thing from start to finish, over and over again. Freedy Johnston eat your heart out.
Eventually I run to my computer and download it, sit there and stick it in Winamp and listen to the same track on repeat for more than an hour, staring at the same picture on my monitor, just lost in the eternity of the notes and realizing that while I am not breaking down, these seven years have been lost and there is not a damn thing I can do about them, and shit on me, girlfriend, just shit on me, it is 1995 again, I am always going to be 13 — that is the real problem here: not that my friends are in their late 20s and late 30s, but that I am 13 and still listening to Freedy Johnston and I have no discipline and I am never going to grow up, but do you want me now?
I can do this. I can do this. The little engine that could. Toot toot. Just make it through December, prove to myself and everyone else that I am not a fuckup, that I can make it through just one damn semester, and then everything else will be fine. Give me my illusions, give me my delusions, sign sealed delivered, 1995 I am yours tonight until the meds kick back in and medicated reality sets me back on my two feet.
I need a fucking hug, gimmie shelter, gimmie comfort in my goddamn decaf coffee cup, hiding from all the things that tormented me then, still tormenting me now, seven fucking years stronger but I have only until December, just until then before it will all go away. Believe that. Believe that. I know it is not true, but I have got to believe that, and I do not believe anything.
Toot toot.
What if this really is the best I will ever be? Oh god. Oh fucking god. Treatment resistant, love resistant, socially resistant, just resistant in general. Oh jesus christ. And the medications only dope me up and warp my personality and what the fuck is all this doing to me? This is not a good night. This is not a good night.
He held my face in his hands and said he did not want to like me like this, but that I was so easy to like, and I just kept thinking, you only like what I have let you see! And if I have to keep this charade up, it is going to kill me.
I am going to burst tonight, through the base of my spine, through the base of my skull, through the tops of my shoulders, just pop, because I cannot give you what I do not know to be there, when everyone else is so sure that something is, and all I know to be is 1995.
