• It\’s not just August ennui. It\’s a full-on relapse/episode of M.E., probably brought on by the stress of three dying family members, a newly moved in boyfriend who has newly lost his job, both the boyfriend and I trying to work full time at the bar to bring in money; and a cold that\’s been going around, combined with the week long stretch of temperatures over 90 degrees. I can barely get out of bed now, I\’m sleeping at least 14 hours per day, and my throat requires a lozenge to always be in my mouth. It\’s feeling like this that reminds me of why I often feel like I\’m a worthless human being — because I can barely wipe my own ass.
  • I\’ve had this LJ account for three years now. The username itself violates the LJ terms of agreement. Granted, I don\’t participate in communities, and I don\’t roll over anyone\’s toes, but I\’m growing more and more surprised that I haven\’t had my account closed down yet. I\’m getting ready to relaunch my domain, and then I plan on leaving this journal, anyway. I\’ve been with LJ since the 90s and I don\’t like what it\’s boiled down to. I haven\’t used the comms in years, and I usually read my flist in my RSS reader, anyway. I stopped paying for an account two years ago and just can\’t bring myself to stick around in a larger community whose bosses are enforcing censorship.
  • Finalized fall semester. Just courses to fix my transcript. Because I am consistently having so many false starts, so many stops and periods of no goes, so many health relapses that destroy semesters, I have been a freshman in college in 1999, when I was 18. That\’s not heartening. I might be a sophomore by the end of winter semester. Eight years for 28 credits, for one year of college. I\’m 26 now. At the prior rate of advance, I\’d have my Bachelor\’s when I\’m 58 — at which point, most of my classes will be outdated and irrelevant, anyway. Say I manage to narrow it down to two to four years per year, instead of one year — I\’ll be 32-38 by then. Ten more years of living like this to get a BA/BS and then try to make the \”gimp with a degree\” lifestyle work. Ten more years like this, in poverty, frustration, boredom, and illness, struggling with the bureaucrats at school, Medicaid, Department of Health and Human Services, Housing Opportunities Commission for my Section 8, Social Security, and doctors? For what? At the end of those ten years, I\’m going to be more educated, with a piece of paper in my hand that says I\’m more qualified to do something? I\’ll still be gimp; a degree won\’t change that, and won\’t open doors won\’t magically make a job appear that I can do. I\’ll still be too sick to work at anything school is going to train me to do. And so, the point of the \”rehabilitation by education\” in my case is…? Redundant, I think.
  • I want to spend my days hanging upside like Batgirl. It makes me feel a hell of a lot better, like chiropractics without exploration of my damaged coccyx and pelvic bone. Actually, I\’d like to trade off between the gravity boots and being pulled by the wrists (as opposed to holding on) at a water skiing park. The boots to loosen up my spine and legs, and the water skiing to loosen up (or actually, rip out) my shoulders, back, arms, and neck.
  • No pain, no gain. Therefore, no gain, no pain? Apparently, the reverse is not true. Logic would then dictate, that those in pain might as well try to gain, since the pain is inevitable either way. But what about when there\’s more pain when you try to gain? Ahhh, now there\’s the real question for the scales.