My experience with orgasm has not been an easy one. I experienced sexual trauma at a young age and as such, it took many years into my consensual sex life before I was able to let go enough to enjoy an orgasm (either with a partner or alone). Finally getting “there” was a revelation that didn’t happen until I was around 20. I’m now 34 and “there” has become difficult to reach. It’s always been difficult unless a partner has known my body well, but in the past year I have had a hard time even solo. It’s not for lack of trying; I’m probably wearing out my Hitachi. It’s just not happening. (This is likely due to a change in medication.)
When I’m with a partner who has difficulty reaching climax himself, my inability to orgasm doesn’t bother me (much). It bothers me when I get really worked up and I try and try, but despite my or our efforts, I can’t get out of the valleys and plateaus stage. I just continue along like that with no release. I find it frustrating, but I generally am able to not focus on the orgasm — I generally just focus on the pleasure. However, if I’m with a partner who has no difficulty reaching climax (sometimes more than once, dammit), I don’t feel as relaxed about it. While I enjoy myself, I long for the release and relaxation that comes with the orgasm and I sometimes find myself envious of my partner’s ability to come.
I’m involved in a very sex-positive community of educators and activists. One of the core values that is imparted from this community is that sex should not be goal (orgasm) oriented, it should be enjoyed for the pleasure itself and the connection the pleasure brings between partners. I often feel like a hypocrite in the community because I badly want my orgasm back! It feels like something very deep inside me has been taken away. I know that feeling is not uncommon for women who “lose” their ability to orgasm. One need only look up last year’s Twitter conversation about the topic (#OrgasmQuest, which was started by @pinkness) to get a sense of the importance that is placed upon orgasm by many women. I think that the difference in the importance placed on orgasm is apparent between women who can reach it regularly (by themselves or with others), women who have never or infrequently reach it, and those who used to reach it regularly but come to a point where it can no longer be reached. As someone in the latter group, my frustration is acute. I know there’s hope for getting my orgasm back — and I diligently masturbate every day to try to jump start it — but in the meantime I remain riding a plateau of no release.
