I had physical therapy yesterday. I had physical therapy on my hands back in 1999, and I was the youngest one there. I was the youngest one there yesterday, also. Of the eight other patients there in my two hours, only one did not have carpal tunnel, however I was the only one to have it in both hands, and as severe. I could not manage to hold back the tears while they were working my hands in the exercises for fifteen minutes, and then again when they put on the little electric pads and stuck me in the air bag. They had to turn the setting way up so that I could feel it, but as soon as I was able to feel it, the pain caused me to accidentally cry it. It caught me off guard.
I have really put myself into a mess this time.
My physical therapist said that if we do not see 50% improvement in four weeks, that he will recommend immediate surgery. He found that I had more loss of feeling in my left hand than I had realized – I had thought it was all concentrated in my right hand. He also said that he thought that on top of severe carpal tunnel syndrome and tendonitis, that he thought I had severe arthritis setting in, and that I should get blood tests done immediately for that. A good idea, I think, since I already know arthritis has set into the knee where my cartilidge is deteriorating, and is starting to slightly twinge in my right knee as well. A few days ago the knee cap in my right knee (my \’good\’ knee) popped out of its socket for the first time, so now I am starting to wonder if the cartilidge is not deteriorating in that knee as well.
I am starting to genuinely fear surgery. As much as I want to be corrected, I am scared to go back under the knife. Just remembering what the surgery last May did to me, and knowing that any subsequent surgeries on my wrists or knees will be worse is enough to make me want to hide in bed for the rest of my life. I was looking at the two people at my physical therapy who had already had their surgery for carpal tunnel, and was looking at their scars… it looks like slit wrists, except it starts in the palm of the hand and does not go as far down. I do not want to look like that, especially as I have been upfront here in DC about my mental illness in regards to positive treatment, social stigmas and afflicted peoples rights. Everyone would take one look at me and I think I tried to kill myself, and I am years beyond that sort of thing. It sort of feels like a step backwards.
I am petrified of losing my limbs to premature things like arthritis and deterioration of cartilidge, not to mention the amount of time I would have no use of my limbs after surgery. Also, the surgery only makes the arthritis worse. Christ.
Lesson: Kids, do not do drugs. During puberty, do not become a vegan who lives off of water and lettuce and pasta. Do not endure injuries and refuse to have them treated. Do not shirk on exercise and a good diet. And above all, do not do all of these things together before the age of 15.
Mark came with Jamie and I to Panic last night. It was horrendous. Jamie and I had been full on wrestling for a half an hour before we left, and by the time we got to Panic I was tired, sore and starting to lose my voice. We went to the Black Cat after, but did not see Eran and Jen, and there were not enough people leaving to give flyers to, so we gave up and went home. The conference is coming up soon, and I have really got to get more promotion done or the only attendees will be the same indie punk activist kids who were there last year. I do not cater to Ian MacKaye workshippers, dammit! I would really like to see more diversity this year.
and I really need to get cracking on . We are planning one benefit show, maybe two as we want to have both DJs and bands, but the list is so long that it ought to be split into two events.
I am really enjoying having Jamie here. He is talking about coming back in the summer, which would kick ass. If I can get him to bring Byron and Joe with him, the entire summer will be full of an insane amount of ass fucking jokes, and I cannot say that I would mind. Last spring I was convinced that summer was going to be full on electric. It was not quite what I had in mind, but it was still quite good with roadtrips to five states, lots of music and friends and lots of writing being done. This summer could prove to be ten times more electric, if I play my cards right. So far spring is doing well by me, so we shall see.
Tonight I am showing Jamie my favorite movie, Groove, as well as cooking Asian food and going to Cryfest (the Cure vs the Smiths!) at the Metro, and then tomorrow is a full on work day. I like work, I really do.
